Latest installment: March 9

 

February 16

Upon the conclusion of this soliloquy, my attention next turned to a computer file of which I had not theretofore been aware. Imagine my surprise when, upon opening that file, I found a set of 22 recommendations from Orville Slack IV.

Name of file

begoff2.com 

 

1. The Telemarketer

Slack advises against over-reliance on the answering machine as a protection against the telemarketer. First of all, an answering machine will tend to irritate your friends. Second and most importantly, it goes against his First Principle: Enjoy yourself.

One simple but entertaining way to deal with the telehuckster, suggests Slack, is the phone-off-the-hook maneuver. When a stranger calls, mispronounces your name, and asks for a few moments of your time, do not hang up. Do not even politely say you aren’t interested. Simply sound interested. Say “Oh, tell me more” in an excited voice, and let her launch into her sales pitch. Then simply place the receiver on the table or other flat surface and go about your business. A few minutes later, she will realize that she has become her own customer and hang up.

Of course, you will have to return to the scene of the crime and replace the receiver. But this trivial inconvenience is well worth the pleasure of imagining her irritation.

Slack counsels caution, however. The widespread use of this tactic will lead to the end of phone solicitation as we know it, thus permanently depriving us of one of life’s small joys.

A more innovative approach, recommends Slack, is the turn-the-table technique. When the stranger calls and requests your cooperation, report that you are in the midst of performing some complex task. Show interest in her product, but emphasize the urgency of your current business. Suggest, but do not promise, that if she helps you solve your problem, you will be free to consider her kind offer.

A good candidate might be the preparation of Chicken à la Kiev. Or, even better, the installation of a new software program.

2. The Broker

The personal broker presents a special challenge. On the one hand, you do not wish to alienate him by treating him as an ordinary telemarketer. He may prove useful to you some day in the future, when you inherit that large sum of money and find yourself in a gambling mood. On the other hand, he is—there is no other word for it—a pest.

Slack advises that you memorize a short list of questions you should ask your broker when he calls.

—What was the last stock you recommended to me?

—What was its price then?

—What is its price now?

--How do you explain the discrepancy?

In the unlikely event that the last stock he recommended has taken on winning ways, simply repeat these questions for the second-to-last stock he recommended. Keep it up until you find his last big loser.

Of course there is the remote possibility that he has suggested a long list of winners. In that case, you should either bet your life savings on his current recommendation, or assume that the law of averages is due to catch up with him. If you are sensible and choose the latter course, simply inform him of your impending bankruptcy and thank him very much.

 

February 23

 3. The Charity Game 

In dealing with charity telesolicitors, Slack recommends that you ask another and slightly longer list of questions.

—Has your organization been audited lately?

—Have the results been published?

—What percentage of your take goes into overhead expenses: salaries, bonuses, personal perks, etc.?

—Has any member of your worthy organization ever been convicted of graft and corruption?

—Who is your CEO?

—Isn’t he the guy who served that prison term for embezzlement?

—Is he completely rehabilitated?

—How do you know?

In the unlikely event that the solicitor is still with you after this brief quiz, you are faced with a choice. You must either promise to give money, or inform her that you already gave at the office. If you do not work in an office, either lie about it or say that your spouse gave at the office. If you have no spouse, quickly invent one. If this would give you a bad case of conscience, make a mental note to get married.

Notice that this strategy might put you in the position of either lying or getting married. If both lying and marriage are against your religious beliefs (if, for example, you are a nun), you may be forced either to give to the charity or to hang up. Hanging up is undeniably an effective move. But it is never as enjoyable as an outright victory. So in that case, marriage may indeed be your best alternative.

March 2 

4. The Pledge Drive

Perhaps the solicitation dreaded most by the average American is the annual call from his or her alma mater. The caller is typically a National Merit Scholar, brimming with enthusiasm for the halls of ivy in which you met your first spouse. He may also be a former classmate: the class nerd who has gone on to financial glory.

 

If you did not actually graduate from the college or university, advises Slack, be sure to mention this fact. It is a valuable bargaining chip in the game you suddenly find yourself being forced to play.

If you did graduate, however, do not despair. You have a host of other bargaining chips at your disposal. For instance:

—You graduated, but only after a series of unfortunate incidents with the dean of students.

—You also graduated from several other universities, which are even more prestigious than the alma mater in question.

—You also graduated from several other universities, which are even more needy than the alma mater in question.

—You have recently suffered a serious but temporary financial setback.

—You disapprove of the recent scandal involving the president and his private yacht.

—You disapprove of the recent scandal involving the president and his private aircraft.

—You disapprove of the recent scandal involving the president and his private secretary.

With a proper combination of such chips, says Slack, you may be able to bargain yourself from the $5,000-and-above President’s Club, for which the National Merit Student is headed or to which the former classmate already belongs, all the way down to the $0-$99 Janitor’s Club.

March 9

 

5. The Policeman’s Ball

 

One of the most misunderstood of all solicitations is the “invitation” to a policeman’s ball. That invitation obviously comes with strings attached. The question is, How many strings? The first string, the one every experienced solicitee understands, is that you are expected to pay for the invitation by purchasing a number of tickets. A second string is that the policeman’s ball never actually takes place. Slack points out that in his near-century as a beg-off artist, he has never once met anyone who had been to, or has even heard of anyone who had been to, a policeman’s ball. Therefore, he concludes, they do not exist. A third possible string—the string that causes fear and trembling among the solicitees—is that there is a positive correlation between the purchase of the ticket and future freedom from minor traffic citations.

The evidence of this correlation is, however, sparse. While the federal government has undoubtedly conducted studies on the subject, says Slack, the results of such studies have not been published. He therefore advises caution in the treatment of policeman’s ball solicitors. Though most of them are, technically speaking, strangers to the solicitee, they should be treated as acquaintances. His recommended response to their offer is to switch the subject. Suggested topics are the desperate need for gun control and the crying need for a law requiring the death penalty for killers of police officers. (The adjectives “desperate” and “crying” are important, he insists, and should not be omitted.)

Under no circumstance, he warns, should the subject of low wages be broached. Any mention of money will only lead the conversation back to the subject of the policeman’s ball.